the courage to do nothing

"So, what are you doing this weekend?" -well-meaning friend
"I literally have nothing." -me
"Good!! You can rest!"

...okay, that really does not excite me.

Anyone who says this to me knows the health issues I've been dealing with that would merit a weekend of rest. The health problems that make for a lot of weekends of rest, a lot of empty lines in my planner... I'm *gradually* learning to not take such big bites of life and to just listen to His peace.

And you know what, His peace said no to a second semester of college on top of dancing full time and working lots of hours a week. I didn't like that.
"God, my education is important."
"There's no way that this (rest)... could be my education? Right, Lord?"
More silence, but with one of those pure, playful smiles that only Jesus can pull off.

So, where studying for the next CLEP test used to fill my insecure free time now it's a matter of disobedience or obedience. With an empty mouth and clenched teeth... I obey. I do not try to knock out the next class. I do not try to be full time dance and full time college. And now I'm full of time.

Doing nothing is way harder than doing everything because I can measure doing everything. A do nothing day doesn't really look like anything on my planner. In my mind. On my heart. And to everyone else (such as my friends who work their tails off every weekend to pay rent) it must look like I am doing nothing... doing... being... being nothing... I'm nothing.
(note: no one has ever said or implied this to me ever.)

I'm dealing with a skin infection right now that keeps me from sitting upright for very long. No dancing. Not much energy. Therefore no plowing through another empty Friday with a made up "I'm ambitious" to do list so I don't have to be alone with myself. I probably won't leave the house today. Since waking up at 9:30 this morning (admitted, I do love sleeping in) I have floated around my upstairs living quarters, my roommates bed unmade because she left for work at 7:00 am this morning, bouncing from Bible to instrument to Netflix (Office episode number... never mind) to instrument to fridge to book to bed to fridge.

How can a rest day not feel restful?

Doing nothing for me just takes... courage. And maybe it's like that for a lot of us?
To find out what the Lord can do with my nothing... hm.
Why is the Lord giving me permission for something, nay, beckoning me to something that I won't let myself have? Why am I afraid of having nothing to do?

I think it's because if I do nothing I feel like I am nothing. I've been dismantled physically to have the capacity for very little and that makes me feel worth very little. I just want to (loud voice) learn and grow and be more and more equipped for what's ahead (that mysterious who-knows-what that's ever looming before me). But if rest is my education right now... then this is all I need to do.

So, friends, yes. What does courage look like for you?
How do you enjoy an open day?
And how do you live in the present?

Already I'm thinking, "What am I gonna do when I finish writing this post?"

It is a process, friends, a process.

From an upstairs perch in Houston,


  1. Hello.

    I liked these words a lot. Thank you for being so kind as to share them with the world.

    Blessings and favor,

    From a downstairs perch in a little room minimalist room.


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