Hold His Hand

So, since the middle of February I have been struggling with a chronic sinus infection and also trouble falling asleep at night. This is a splattering of information and very un-edited.

The thing is, when it takes me a while to fall asleep and I feel that mean, old, familiar fear bubbling up, even if it's just for 30 minutes that I lay there, I feel like a failure. And when day after day the sinus infection continues, after so many methods of treatment, I feel like a failure. I feel like there's something wrong with me. Like I've allowed Satan some foothold in my life and because I didn't pray enough, because I didn't claim truth enough, because I wasn't on guard enough, because I didn't know enough, understand enough, believe enough... now this is happening and it's my fault. I'm to blame. Something's wrong with me. Im not good enough. I can't do it. I can't be brave enough. I can't trust God enough. I don't believe enough. This is my fault, if I was more faith-filled than I would not be afraid and I would not be sick. 

No!

No.

Does God not sing over me every moment of every day? Does He not whisper words of hope in my ears? Does He not wash my feet with compassionate affection? Does He not embrace me in my time of distress AND my time of celebration? Does He not meet with me in the stillness of night? Does He not promise to do good unto me? Does He not love me? 

He does. 

He does it all. 

So why am I doing so hard, when JESUS DI(E)D?

Jesus did and he died and He's good. God is good. 

The deepest war inside has been with theology. My own health has been the measuring stick I've used to measure my spiritual fruitfulness, thinking that to the degree that I walk in victory is the degree that I walk in health: When I live a victorious life in Jesus, I'm healthy and whole and happy.

But what about now? What about when chronic sinus pressure persists long past what I considered my last-resort tolerance level? What about when I worry daily about if I'll fall asleep easily or not that night? What about when my head hurts, and my eyes ache, and my ears pop, and my throat hurts, and I have done everything I know to do to win????? What then?!?

Jesus. Jesus, hold my hand. Because I can't hold the hand of doctrine in place of Yours. 

I don't have a final answer on this. This is the messy part of wrapping paper, no bows and no nice tape. I recently heard it said, "Everything in life is either a lesson or a gift, and even the lessons become gifts with time." So I've started thanking God for this. This season. This moment. This process. 

Melissa Helser said in a YWAM Podcast, "When you know God is good you won't question His motives."

Again and again and again I run back around and stick a tent peg in the same foundation: HES GOOD. Let's build a home on this. Let's build a life on this.

Because if I do not and I let my feelings and my frustrations and even my victories tell me where I am and who I am then this happens: struggle comes and identity flops, because it wasn't Jesus. It was me saving myself with Jesus' help. That doesn't work. That never works. 

So Jesus, do Your thing. You know how to save. You know how to rescue. You know how to heal. 

Let this stir in your heart: you're not a loser or a failure or a disappointment. You're a kid. You're His kid, and He SEES you. He sees me! He's good. He's faithful. And in this difficult season I'm seeing His nature play out in a way that I've never seen before. And it's beautiful. There's more to say. A lot more. But I think the Holy Spirit can speak better than I can. Never once have I been alone. Never once have you or will you be alone. Let's grab hold of His goodness; His soft, gentle, affirming hand. Not a measuring stick. Him.